4/22/10

Dancing With The South AfriKade Threesome


Apparently, when you're a huge celebrity superstar (as Arthur Kade clearly is), you are obligated, once in awhile, to publish sex-related guides, such as he posted on April 17th, 2010 (called, unsurprisingly, "The Art Of The Threesome"). Personally, I got a big kick out of George Clooney's "Triple gangbang on your grandma" manifesto, and Christopher Walken's "Doin' it Prune Style" essay was right on the money (shot), but Daniel Day Lewis' marvelous paper entitled "How to convince your ex to do D.V.D.A. with a homeless guy, a medical test subject and Daniel Stern" took (at least for me) the cake. To boil down the critically important advice that Mr. Kadeanova dishes out, here are the bullet points:

- Use a girl that you bang regularly to help you pick up a new girl (known as a Wing Woman),
- Get the new girl drunk on shots,
- Befriend the new girl so she doesn't think you're some creepy stranger,
- Get the Wing Woman to take the new girl into the bathroom to make out,
- Take them both to your place, keep them drinking, and fuck them both. Oh, but don't forget a condom. You want to be as safe as possible when pounding two girls who have drank themselves silly.

Then the fucking moron goes to some "formal event" wearing a straw hat, a sweater and tight black jeans. Of course, when his 'cameraman' (my guess is GN Kang on a lower profile) pans to the rest of the room, NO ONE IS LOOKING AT HIM, contrary to what he claims. Not even I, in all my low-self-esteemed, Kade-obsessed glory would say (or do) something that god-damn retarded. But hey, it's not me making the videos for everyone to laugh at, so fuck it!

In his next literary opus, entitled "Dancing With The Brand" (April 19th, 2010), he makes a startling confession...

when The Brand gets an opportunity as the “Face Of Philadelphia” to make a celeb appearance, as well as support an amazing charity like Sickle Cell Anemia (The Brand encountered this first hand one time when a Black Model that he dated had a child with it, and although I wasn’t looking to be a “Baby Daddy” anyway, it was definitely rough and a bit of a turn off, and it really is a horrible disease that I might one day make a HUGE donation to after my first hit movie because of how close it hit to home

Then there's the usual crap about him being a celebrity (and ABOUT to become a "HUGE TV Star", which we're all STILL waiting on and have been for I don't know how long), doing embarrassing things in videos and taking many pictures of himself with various members of the Gen Pop.

the stares and whispering were almost deafening and when Gen Poppers saw me shooting vids at my table, I thought the crowd was going to form a line to get autographs and pictures

Yes, but they DIDN'T DO SUCH A THING, DID THEY?

I even got the chance to catch up with the biggest celebrity writer in Philly, Dan Gross

Who didn't even write about Kade when he covered the event! Also, why didn't he show off some moves at Philadelphia's version of 'Dancing with the stars'? Where's that video?

I'm not going to link to (or embed) Kade's videos of him doing impressions of Ray Charles or Luther Vandross because...well...you've seen how embarrassing he can be when he sings....so....I rest my case.

Finally, Arthur does a blog in which the title is a mixture of South Africa and his stage name, even though he's never been there, has never had any fans call him from there and has never had any press interview him from there. Let us not forget, however, the great postings that small, medium and Large African Child left on his blog oh-so-long ago...back in the day when the comments section of Kade's blog was a party and all the regular characters chimed in on his Race to Disgrace.

once Arthur Kade is an Oscar Winner, he would be a pioneer in the racial struggles of other countries, as well as a civil rights pioneer both domestic and abroad, and considering the history of apartheid in South Africa (I was just at dinner with a young dude who lives there who told me the girls are smokin’ hot, and it is a very sexual country where girls will do just about anything you ask them to, and considering that I am heavily followed there because of my groundbreaking CLEO Article a couple months ago, and all of my press/media from that, it would be a national Orgy if I came over) I would love to meet Nelson Mandela, and work together with the African American population there to further their cause and bring more light to a beautiful continent (I have always wondered if there is some African American Blood in my family tree because I was an awesome basketball player and athlete, was friends and got along best with other black guys in my high school, always wanted as a boyfriend by every Black Model I have ever slept with, and have big hands and feet and I could maybe do Lisa Kudrow’s show where we investigate our family’s history to see if this is in fact true, or whether I am 100% Pure Bred Russian Jewish)

Fail count: 18.
Damage done to Arthur's already-damaged character: catastrophic.
Number of people who will interpret at least part of that paragraph as racist: 20 and growing.
Course of action: Headshake/facepalm combo, then hysterical laughter at the thought of Kade being surrounded by black men outside a club in Philly and being confronted on his South Africa comments, in which Kade will stutter and quickly become afraid while one of the black men films the encounter with his cellphone and then emails the grainy footage to legowigkade@gmail.com

This will also be an opportunity to see what the adoption processes are for African children because although I am unsure if I want to have children of my own (Although a mixed breed child with me would be pure aesthetic perfection because I have Italian/Greek/Slavic features coupled with something else darker skinned would create a celebrity child that would end up on the cover of US Weekly every week with Suri because of it’s amazingly exotic looks, and I might even expose it to different religions like Scientology to give them a more well rounded and diverse look at life, society, and religion) I have always said that once I am secure with 8 figure movie deals and my own production company (I have even thought about joining DreamWorks with Steve, Dave, and Jeff if the opportunity presented itself, or if one of them wanted out of “The Biz”) I would pull an “Angie Jolie” and adopt a child from Africa and travel full time with nannies and whichever model or actress I’m sleeping with at the time.

Oh yeah, adopt African children as if doing so were a fad, just like Paris Hilton carrying a tiny dog around was a fad!

And the dumbest fucking thing I have heard come out of that 30-something-year-old's mouth is in the last 7 seconds of his "Papa Kade Comes Off The Airplane From FL" video:

"Isn't it amazing that when I wear my skull cap...our heads kinda match?"

(Big thanks to Mark Z. for the Recess pictures.)

17 comments:

  1. He is such a big bunch of fucked-up that he thinks taking on a 'african baby' (as a pet? Certainly no indication of a desire to parent aside from having it do some Scientology auditing at a young age, and have it on the cover of a few magazines, how thoughtful) is do-able, is possible (that someone would be stupid enough to give him one). Why does he want such a child? Because it would 'LOOK GOOD next to him aesthetically'. Oh my god. Also it might impress Mandela when they meet, I guess, as they get together to discuss how to save South Africa. (Kadestyle) As we all know from months of reading Kade's blog, the plight of South Africa has been on his mind for a long time (3 minutes). Especially since he did the interview for Cleo Magazine, an Australian rag, where all his millions of South African fans have discovered him.

    Does he even TRY to think anymore? Or does he get stoned and type the most absurd thing that comes to mind.

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  2. Actually what is sad is that he proves there are as many dumb-asses on the liberal side as the conservative side. He is so PC that he doesn't even stop to think what he is saying. Yes, Arthur, ALL black people are "African
    American" the world over. (The concept of British Jamaicans would snap his tiny mind.) God I hate stupid!

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  3. FYI, for any of the Philadelphia area people, there is a BALLS ASS HOT picture of Gn Kang on the Ben Franklin Bridge right when you get on it if you're heading into Jersey. It's advertising for the plastic surgeon who gave her the new tits!

    Also, as someone who lives in Philly (and not in a furniture-less loft), we are NOT ALL LIKE KADE! I don't go to those clubs with the 22-year-olds and bedraggled cokehead losers in their 30s who look more like they're in their 40s, nor do anyone I know! We're a corner-bar type of town. Low key, good beers - we're an anti-Kade type of town.

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  4. When did Artshitz stop taking so many pictures of food? Why?

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  5. @anonymous 12:40pm
    yeh, i wouldn't brag about that. that's what makes philly the shit town it is. and what's even worse for philadelphians, is that it is EXACTLY the type of town you described, but no one besides yourself is comfortable with that. everyone there wants to think philly is new york. hence, arthur kade and the loser wanna be's that make up the philly social scene

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  6. By their very nature 'social scenes' are always full of shallow, drug taking, ignorant, self possessed, cretinous types. These people see the state the world is in, see starving children in Africa, feel awful about it..... and will then spend £5,000 on titty implants.
    How fucked up would it be if these celebrity/social sceners were decent, hard working, free thinking folk with a social conscience? Who the fuck wants celebrities that we can't lord it over? I want my celebrities like Kardashian ( is that her name, like Cher?)
    I want them on the internet, sucking a black man's cock, I want to see their bald quim get a pounding, and even better if the rectum is abused and left gaping. And when they have little children's it's important that their kids' school friends can go online and have a good fucking look at their friend's mum's cunthole while she's noshing away on uncle Bill's jittler.
    Yes, celebrities are our betters, we look up to them for guidance, and dear Arthur is almost there, he is already fucking useless at everything he does, I can't think of any other qualities a celebrity needs

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  7. Pizza bites and lies. That sums it up nicely.

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  8. Strange...right after I mention (here) the absence of food pics, Fuckface goes and posts a few. And they look fucking disgusting, except maybe for the balls ass elite sandwich and fries. Maybe one day I'll be able to afford a sandwich a fries, but until then I have to hand it to Artshitz: he's got me outgunned.

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  9. I just went to Artie's site and there is nothing there, just a parking space. Did someone finally convince him he was screwing himself over with his blog, or, did he neglect to pay his bluehost bill?

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  10. Never mind, it is back. Don't use bluehost is the moral to this story?

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  11. It's still down as of 4:19 pm CST. He's had 31 comments today.

    I'm sure that Kade will say that traffic to his site crashed it. If that were the case, the default Bluehost "someone didn't pay to renew their site" screen wouldn't be there. You'd see a 404 error page instead.

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  12. look at Arthur's Alexa page... his website is ranked like #300,000 in the world. And falling.

    If he was ever going to get famous, that ship has sailed. He never caught on, he never got known. How sad... for him.

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  13. Assanova gets a carbuncle in his ass crack that he can't pop and assumes its anal cancer. Most likely it's from guys spitting there when they have to fake an orgasm.

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  14. Kade's site wasn't 404, it said his site didn't exist and had a generic bluehost page there instead. I refreshed it 4 times over an hour (while reading my other open tabs) and it still showed nothing but bluehost. That is why I took it to be an unpaid bill.

    Kudos, I vote that you hate Artie more than anyone. Which isn't a bad thing in itself, but I worry about you. If you need to talk, email me.

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  15. I forgot all about dear Arthur - I've been into ufos lately, bloody hell, they're here....anyway, had a read of dear Arthur's latest and he's on the set of a film, he's only landed the secon fucking male lead hasn't he. The director saw him and said..'that man is fucking gorgeous, I want him on camera...'....not really, he's in the background and is fantasising through the roof.
    He's still as committed as ever to his craft, out all night at clubs, straight to the set and the bragging. Anyway, I feel he's let us all down, he's never going to get anywhere and I for one believe he has more talent than DeNiro and Paccino together.

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