Arthur, Stop With The Young Hollywood, Modern Actor Nonsense

Dear Arthur,

You frequently say that you are ushering in an age of the "modern actor," and that you are a part of "young hollywood." Do you ever listen to what you say or read what you write? You are a 32 year old man in the United State's fifth largest city who has still not spoken a single line in any production, who only takes acting classes and posts the results along with other disturbing videos on YouTube. You have never proven that you have an ounce of acting talent beyond an ability to poorly memorize lines and open your mouth and emit a sound. It's obvious that you are completly unaware of who's who in Hollywood and the movie industry, all the while claiming that you are the goon to change something about it when you never describe what it is that needs to be changed.

Since we're 100% certain that you usually have no idea what you are talking about, we thought you might benefit from seeing a list of actors and actresses, and their ages. These people are young Hollywood. They're in demand, respected, attractive, talented, and most of all, they are not complete idiots with their heads up their asses. We looked around for some valid sites that discuss the top young Hollywood actors. We never saw your name anywhere. Surprised? We did find the following people, all of whom you wouldn't be qualified to carry a water bottle for on a film set.


Here are some actors commonly referred to as top young Hollywood actors. Each name links to a page including their awards, and a list of movies they have been in.


Danielle Radcliffe - 20
Dakota Fanning - 15
Emma Watson - 18
Robert Pattinson - 23
Scarlett Johansson - 24
Miley Cyrus - 16
Freida Pinto - 24
Vanessa Hudgens - 20
Shia LeBeouf - 23
Kristen Stewart - 19
Ellen Page - 22
Michael Cera - 21
Keira Knightly - 24
Dev Patel - 19
Emile Hirsch - 24
Chance Crawford - 24
Taylor Lautner - 17
Carey Mulligan - 24
Zac Efron - 21
Megan Fox -  23

That's a great list actually. We've enjoyed many of their movies. And guess what? Nowhere in that list are there any slobbery, cocaine addicted, rapidly aging, lisping 32 year old men with daddy issues and a complete lack of awareness of how untalented and disgusting they are. Hell, there isn't anyone on that list like that at any age!

Finally, these people are not your peers. They're not your equals. They're not your fellow actors. These are the people you fantasize about becoming, and nothing more. The sooner you figure that out, the sooner you can beg for a job at a company that is willing to tolerate your insanity. We're thinking that WM Waste Management in Philadelphia could put you to work.