We wanted to put together a quick guide for anyone out there looking to start a blog, or just to improve their writing skills to the kind of balls-ass, sick ass writing that Arthur Kade himself is capable of. We hope you find these tips to be useful!
1. Sentences can contain hundreds of words, and occupy entire paragraphs worth of text.
2. Always capitalize regular unimportant words like "General Population," "Doing Laundry," "Newest Jordans," and anything else to emphasize their importance.
3. In addition to the above, use quotation marks around such words like they're going out of style.
4. Frame entire tangents of thought and context within parenthesis, within an already rambling multi-line run-on sentence that has little to do with the section in parenthesis. For extra-absurd tangent-within-a-tangent insanity, throw in some double parenthesis.
5. Invent absolutely absurd buzzwords and phrases in an attempt to be cool: "Gut to Vagina Connector Bump," breasts looking "pencily," "GenPop,"wife her," "star fucked,"The Biz,"ultra rockstar,"featured background, "balls ass," "romanesque nose..." The list goes on and on...
6. Always, always use the word "amazing" within the first sentence.
7. Never, ever bother using SpellCheck.
8. Place periods outside of quotation marks, even though this is America, and in America we put them INSIDE quotation marks.
9. Refer to something as respectable as an Academy Award with the words "little guy Oscar."
10. Most importantly, always keep track of the praise that the voices in your head give you, and make sure to attribute such comments to fictitious random strangers, because everyone believes that someone tells a total stranger "you have a really great nose profile," or "That’s the charm of you, you know who you are and you don’t care what people think"
Study up! Soon you will be a master of these skills. Anything written must be one continuous stream of consciousness. Punctuation only inhibits the thought process, it merely slows communication to a screeching halt. Jamming as many non related thoughts into on giant line is the paragon of an educated writing style.