We wanted to put together a quick guide for anyone out there looking to start a blog, or just to improve their writing skills to the kind of balls-ass, sick ass writing that Arthur Kade himself is capable of. We hope you find these tips to be useful!
1. Sentences can contain hundreds of words, and occupy entire paragraphs worth of text.
2. Always capitalize regular unimportant words like "General Population," "Doing Laundry," "Newest Jordans," and anything else to emphasize their importance.
3. In addition to the above, use quotation marks around such words like they're going out of style.
4. Frame entire tangents of thought and context within parenthesis, within an already rambling multi-line run-on sentence that has little to do with the section in parenthesis. For extra-absurd tangent-within-a-tangent insanity, throw in some double parenthesis.
5. Invent absolutely absurd buzzwords and phrases in an attempt to be cool: "Gut to Vagina Connector Bump," breasts looking "pencily," "GenPop,"wife her," "star fucked,"The Biz,"ultra rockstar,"featured background, "balls ass," "romanesque nose..." The list goes on and on...
6. Always, always use the word "amazing" within the first sentence.
7. Never, ever bother using SpellCheck.
8. Place periods outside of quotation marks, even though this is America, and in America we put them INSIDE quotation marks.
9. Refer to something as respectable as an Academy Award with the words "little guy Oscar."
10. Most importantly, always keep track of the praise that the voices in your head give you, and make sure to attribute such comments to fictitious random strangers, because everyone believes that someone tells a total stranger "you have a really great nose profile," or "That’s the charm of you, you know who you are and you don’t care what people think"
Study up! Soon you will be a master of these skills. Anything written must be one continuous stream of consciousness. Punctuation only inhibits the thought process, it merely slows communication to a screeching halt. Jamming as many non related thoughts into on giant line is the paragon of an educated writing style.
haha, so true. god damn arthur kade is so retarded.
ReplyDeleteAlso add this:
ReplyDeleteAnything written must be one continuous stream of consciousness. Punctuation only inhibits the thought process, it merely slows communication to a screeching halt. Jamming as many non related thoughts into on giant line is the paragon of an educated writing style.
It is almost like all of the buttons on his keyboard are broken except the letters themselves, the space bar, and the quotation button. Artie - you are all thumbs
I personally want to take up the 'getting away with a paragraph in two sentences' type of deal. He somehow 'balls-ass' pulled it off this past week in one of IT'S posts.
ReplyDelete@ metal haiku:
ReplyDeleteDone! Thanks!
please do not forget to continually cite the people in "the Biz" and the "A-Listers" who are following you, talking about you and working on getting you projects.....yet NEVER mention any of their names.....
ReplyDeleteMight I suggest in addition to a "Best of Arthur Kade's Twitter" thread, launch a "Best of Arthur Kade's Fictitious Sycophantic Friends" thread.
ReplyDelete"Balls-Ass Domination"
ReplyDeleteI think I saw that movie right next to "Stop My Ass Is On Fire Part 7" a while back......
Referring to people he's never met by their first names and in an overly familiar way. Just because you read about them in US Weekly, it doesn't mean you're hanging out with them. Random capitalizations of words. And what really annoys me? Calling it "the Biz". Really?
ReplyDelete