When I walked into my therapy session today, my therapist said right away, “Wow, you look tired and anxious”, and I replied, “I feel so beat up and ragged today, I have been waiting to talk to you for a week because I have so much going on in “”The Journey”"”, and when I laid down on the couch I knew it was going to be an amazing session. I don’t sleep much anymore because I am acting “Full time”, blogging, auditioning, socializing, networking, and travelling around the country (I am planning a European get-away soon), and sometimes I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling, and say, “Am I going too hard? Is it too much? Am I invincible like I used to be?”, and all I can do is figure out the next thing to keep me busy, or advance “The Journey” to new heights, but the question I had today with her is am I destroying myself going 200% all the time? The key to anything like working out, is giving your body time to recover and rest, and then hit it harder next time, but I feel such a dedication to my fans and followers around the world that I don’t take days or nights off.
My therapist usually tells me how great I look every time she sees me, and when she said I looked tired today, I went to the bathroom, and stared in the mirror and saw that I have circles under my eyes, and am not as tanned as I should be and my energy level was “Too Much Anxiety”, and realized that whenever I feel this way (I have taken stuff to calm me down like Ativan and Xanex my whole life), I have a habit of letting myself go for the beauty of art and my “Craft”. When I was a financial advisor, I became so wrapped up in being “Number 1 in the country” that I gained 50 Lbs. (I went from a 31 1/2 waist to a 37) and then lost it all on Atkins, but the fact that I forgot to take care of myself took a toll on me and showed me that life is about more than just being a giant in “The Biz” because I know that I will be dropping 10 digit checks in my account eventually.
We analyzed why I was so hypertensive, and I told her, “I am doing things that have never been done in “”The Biz”" before, and I am achieving so much and have things about to explode, but I can’t take my mind off of it for a minute to just relax and enjoy my life, see a movie, or even take a nap”, and as we further went into it, we realized that this pattern has shown up before, and it’s because I am scared to start sucking at something and get abandoned by people like I felt when I was a kid. When I am on top of the mountain, everyone always blows me, but when times get tough, it can be so lonely, and I am always scared to go back to being that lonely little kid trying to be noticed, and what I have to realize is that everything I want is happening right now, and sometimes I have to just RELAX and let “The Journey” come to me. I told her, “It’s how I feel like when I am having sex too long and can’t cumb, and all you do is think about what can I do to make myself cumb, instead of just watching the girl ride you and enjoying the moment of ecstasy (While usually taking Ecstasy for years and years), and right now I need a few hours or a few days to enjoy the ecstasy of being a worldwide celebrity and loving the growth of The Brand and what’s about to happen.
I just came home and need to get ready for Sharon (my newest acting coach who has been on Saturday Night Live)and an audition for a musical right after with a well known NYC Playwright, and then my call back audition tomorrow for the Pilot that is being pitched to networks (The producer called me directly spoke to me today to confirm I was coming which leads me to believe that I am the “Front-runner” for the part), but I need to schedule a day or two off to hit a spa and just unwind and relax (I need some treatment to rejuvenate my face, because I look like I am 25-30 right now where usually I look 20-25 which can hurt future role selection) somewhere away from fans, photographers, and projects like other “A” and “B” Listers like Brad Pitt, Jack Nicholson, Reese Witherspoon, and Chrisitian Bale do, and I need to use their example for Arthur Kade.
Videos of some new character’s I’m trying to develop: