Stripper 101

He's an absolute cunt. I hope his New Year resolution is to kill himself with a massive dose of coke. Stupid fucking cuntiness and delusion from Arthur Kadyshes...

With the holidays fast approaching, there are so many amazing Christmas and socialite parties to attend that Arthur Kade can barely keep his head on straight with that and focusing on The Craft and “The Journey” (I have been spending countless hours working on my new monologue from “Meet Joe Black” for a Tuesday audition in NYC for a Romantic Comedy) , but one of the ones that I have attended almost every year in the 215, is the Christmas Party at Delilah’s Den, because it is mandatory for all the HOT Strippers to be there, and because of the holidays, The Brand feels like they warm up to you more and provide a higher level of “Stripper Hospitality” (This is the warmth and love that a stripper gives you as they give you a dance, or let you enjoy them in the Champagne Room) that you wouldn’t find any other time of year, plus because DD’s is the best club in Philly (Some have it ranked as “Top 5″ in Kademerica) and features shows and performances, it’s hard to stay away for a rising actor and author like Arthur Kade. While there with friends last night, a conversation was struck up about how to pick up the most sexual/hottest stripper to service you, but also what a Gen Popper (Non-Celeb like The Brand who can get a stripper at the click of his wand) needs to do to experience “The thrill of banging the most enjoyable and sensual creature on Earth” (A great Kadeism from last night), and since I have slept with, hooked up with, and even had a threesome with some of the most beautiful strippers in the world (I told a friend at Z Bar last night that I should be awarded a doctorate ((PHD)) in “Stripotology” because of all the experiences and tests I have run), I thought providing a “How-To” guide for the holidays would be a great “Kade-Style” present to The Gen Pop:

1) Find A “Non-Union Stripper”-The Key to first selecting the most sexual of strippers is don’t always go for the hottest one who is using her looks to make money, but hates the career (The “Union Stripper”) , but instead go for the one who truly enjoys the art of satisfying men, and really loves dancing on them, grinding on them, and of course being touched by them. To do this you have to sit and observe the way various strippers act in their habitat, and much like watching an animal in the Raw, choose the one who has the combination of Wild and Hot, and then bring them over. If you were buying a car, you would want one that was put together by someone who enjoys their job, not one who is just looking for their “Golden Ride” (A pension term from GE that I use for strippers who are just looking for the paycheck), and this will translate into the one who will provide the “Balls Ass Hottest” Sex and threesomes.

2) Hit A Single then A Home Run-Once you have identified your prey, then have her come over and request only one dance (Last Night some girl was trying to negotiate prices on dances, and I said to her, “Who are you, Bill Gates?”) and test her out. If she is into it, enjoys you, and gives you full touching and attention, then tell her to take you into The Champagne Room (Many Gen Poppers can’t afford this, but if one day they can they should follow along) and get some privacy. This is when the stripper will begin to look at you with love and admiration, and even though they still think of you as the ATM, you now have the PIN that will give them as much or as little as you want, and now you have the upper hand.

3) The “Pretty Woman” Syndrome-Every stripper dreams of being Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman” and having someone like Arthur Kade find them, scoop them from their “Working Girl” Life and make them a “Real HouseWife Of Kadeville”, and one thing that Arthur Kade learned as a financial advisor is “Promise The Dream” and the results will follow. Most Gen Poppers will get dances, spend a fortune, talk dirty, and get made fun of in the dressing room by the girls (One stripper I used to date used to tell me some of the stuff guys said to her, and it was pretty depraved, but my favorite was from one of her regulars who said, “You make me so horny I cumb in my pants during board meetings while thinking about you”). The key is start talking about how you will rescue them, give them a new life (Find out if they have kids as well, and if they do then JUST RUN), and how you “Can see the potential in them” (This one is particularly effective because it makes them feel like more than a stripper for the moment). I will never forget being in the Champagne Room of Delialah’s years ago when a famous married celeb was telling a girl I was sleeping with “I will take care of you, make you my travel girlfriend ((AKA “Tiger-Style”)), and she later told me, if you weren’t there I might have hooked up with him (Although this was Pre-Kade Celebrity). Once you’ve sold them the condo, get their number and “Give Them The Keys”.

4) Don’t Be a Regular-The biggest mistakes most Gen Poppers make is that they get addicted to the girl, and keep coming back “To Feed The Meter” (Especially Older Men), where after one time they should now treat them like any other girl you want to use and abuse, and make them wonder what happened? Wait a week, and then text at 2AM on a Saturday night, “Hey, At “”Insert Club”". Come meet me?” They will be so intrigued that you made them wait and will probably be horny from all the Old Men touching them that they will come meet you right after work, and this also prevents them from thinking you’re dating and you establish they are just a “Booty Call” that you might “Sugar Daddy if they play their cards right”. They will want you more, and feel that like The Brand, they are one of a thousand vying for the position of “Night Train” and will work harder to win you over.

5) Get the “Premium Package” in your AMG-The key to the whole game, is now that you are having sex with them, you have to be at your best sexual abilities at all times so they brag how “Good you’re fucking them”, and then either tell them: 1) Let’s have a threesome with one of your co-workers (They love to be referred to as this because it feels more professional and corporate like they are an HR Director for Google, and strippers love hooking up with other strippers, and years ago Arthur Kade hung with a stripper who brought home another “Co-Worker” who was married, and at first I was a bit scared to get killed, but then she said, “Don’t worry, my husband has done this with us too!”) or 2) Dump them, and move onto one of the hotter or sexier co-workers who has heard about how good you are, and want you next and ignore the other girl from that point forward and blame her by calling her “Psycho” and “Needy”.

6) Rinse and Repeat

Here are the pictures from the TITs Brand Shoot I guest judged and appeared at with Courtney Cumzz on Saturday, an inside look into what an Improvisation Class Exercise looks like (This one is so tough because every time the bell is rung, you have to go as far off topic as possible and still continue the flow of the skit) for anyone who is not a “Working Actor”, and last night was a reunion of our “Advanced Film Class” with Mike Lemon where we watched all of our final professional tapings, and when my scene in “Heist” was done, he said to me “That was a really great job”, and I got applause from the class. He also announced that he is doing an Advanced “Advanced” Class that will start in early Feb. that will actually be us making a movie together that will be submitted to film festivals (I will miss Mike when I move to KA next year. He really helped me become a top notch and respected “Film Actor”, and showed me how to get away from my theatrical background, and focus on “Less is More” and how to make acting “Conversational and Regular”.

“Sex isn’t about how good you are, it’s about how many girls will want to have it with you at the same time”…Arthur Kade…12/17/09

Why no women around you Sir Cunty? That's right, can't stand the smell.