9/22/09

Biggest Audition Yet


Big.  Giant.  Headache.  From.  Douchebaggery.  More from the deluded one...

It’s amazing to feel an emotion that I usually don’t feel because I am always “Cool Hand Kade”, but today I actually felt nervous (I have always dealt with severe anxiety issues ((Horrible crippling attacks)) my whole life, and despite trying anti-depressants and tranquilizers, I have developed ways to control it naturally through intensive therapy). After dominating my 4 minute interview with Mancow where he told me, “I like what you are doing”, and generally was very positive about “The Journey” and let me tell him that “What I have done in 6 months has never been done before”, I could sense that he knew that he realized the producer that booked me had found ‘The Next Big Thing” (I can’t link the podcast because it is “Pay to Play”, which bothers me). Once I was done the interview, I spoke to my dad who was getting a colonoscopy (It must suck to have some tube thrown in your ass) today, and told him, “Do you realize that your son is famous?”, and he joked back, “I’m happy that you keep telling me”, and it was one of those special father-son moments that makes me realize that the Kade bond between us is what has allowed me more than anything to become a budding superstar, and knowing that my dad watches “The Journey” and probably thinks, “My son is a once in a lifetime talent”, is what keeps me going through the tough times because in the end I want to take care of my parents and buy them houses in Palm Beach to retire at.
As I was walking to Kade’s Corner at Cosi in Rittenhouse (I want to spend more time there to bring me back to my Non-Superstar roots from 6.61 months ago), a guy ran across the street and stopped me, and shook my hand and said, “Huge Fan, keep doing what you are doing”, and I thanked him and said, “I have another HUGE announcement on the way”, and I walked away realizing that my celebrity has no bounds and that even when I am sweaty in gym clothes, people want to touch and admire The Brand. All I could think about was tomorrow is the biggest audition of my life because I will be in front of 10 of the top casting directors and agents in NYC (G.I. Joe, 30 Rock are a couple of them), and it’s a one time thing that I enrolled for, and I want my monologue to be “Kade Style” perfect. That’s when fear set in, and it became a bit more real because here I am with a TV “Dev Deal” with IMG Media (I must have had 10 people come up to me to wish me well and say that there is no bigger name then them in “The Biz”, and soon there will be no bigger name then Arthur Kade), I am a celebrity in “The Biz”, girls are all over me all the time, but yet I still get tingly and jello-ie inside worrying about an audition. It’s then that I realized that even before I was Famous Arthur Kade, I was just Financial Advisor/Socialite Arthur Kade, and have to keep my nose to the grindstone and not let my unprecedented success get to my head. Even though I am sure that they will all be “Wow-ed” once they see what I look like (They probably all know about “The Journey”, and I wonder if they will ask me for a picture or autograph? Sometimes I question if I should use my celebrity to further my already amazing acting career, but then I feel like I am cheating The Craft), there still is that 20% of showing my tremendous use of The Craft to win them over.
In the meantime, it looks like I will be attending Nicky Hilton’s birthday at Dusk on Saturday (I am debating bringing a girl I recently hooked up to close the deal since she is a Philly 9.2 and will be blown away by our Star Power or someone from The Entourage), and will be at the celebrity table of course, so I am looking forward to meeting her, and I would love to talk about fashion (Since she is a designer she may be interested in some ideas for my future couture clothing line), and her boyfriend is David Katzenberg (Son of Dreamworks owner, Jeffrey) who I would love to see if I can meet his Dad when I am out in KA, and see if we can have a healthy exchange of ideas while pounding some Cristal at the table. Sean Kingston will also be there and performing and I am a huge fan of his, and look forward to seeing him as we celebs are walked in on the Red Carpet, and I am confident that he may know about “The Journey” since other music stars like Rob Thomas are fans and twittering about it. I have also been told there will be some other names there, so it will be great to hang with some of my peers, and network ideas, and talk about the next steps of “The Journey”.
Tonight, I worked with Sharon on my “Wedding Crashers” monologue to get ready for tomorrow, and she said, ‘You’re ready”, and we made a couple small adjustments, but She said it was “Hilarious”. Considering she has been on SNL several times, I take that as a huge compliment to my Jewish comedic skills, and it really calmed down my nerves for tomorrow. I also worked out twice today, and now that I am getting over my wicked cold, it was great to have the energy level back that The Brand requires to maintain my model measurements and get ready for the Fashion Show I am modeling in at the end of the week which promises to be the biggest in Philly in a while (I will blog about it later).
“Being a celebrity is amazing because you are treated so much better than everyone else, but at heart, I am just a humble master of The Craft”…..Arthur Kade….09/22/09

A Great Email from a Fan in Australia where I have become a National Hero from what I am being told:
Yo Kade!

What up man. I’ve been a long time reader, but I have never posted or wrote to you before. Just wanted to let you know, people love you here in Australia and you have inspired many to follow their dreams and live their lives “
Kade Style“! Many girls (and guys) I work with or clients that I have now, all talk about you and think you are totally handsome! Thank God you ain’t here in Sydney, or I’d have no chance with the ladies (or men, I swing both ways!).

A big thanks man from me! I quit my job at IBM to take up my dream of becoming one of the best hair dressers in the world! I will kill it and thank you for the inspiration! I can only dream of one day doing your hair, for one of your big premiers or for when you go and collect Oscar!

Keep up the good work!

Kade Out!
J.P

37 comments:

  1. Fucking baby jesus - this cunt just doesn't get irony at fucking all. The Australian letter is a piss take, so many clues, and the cuntykade thinks it's a fan letter.
    How he's got the nerve to call himself a superstar when the cunt hasn't fucking done anything yet....I mean not a fucking thing of merit. The mawkish stuff about his dad made my toes fucking curl up like a pair of Turkish slippers - I feel all sort of sticky.
    And finally, are there really such tosspots in Philly that they really do admire this wankhat?
    Truthfully?

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  2. no, noone in philly admires him.. FYI

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  3. anybody have the mancow audio or transcript?? did anybody listen??

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  4. I can't believe he's really going to audition in front of anyone with that monologue. It's just not right, it's all over the place. When I listen to it, I feel like I'm watching a squirl try and fight it's way out of a paper bag, just going every direction possible. I mean really, THAT's what you'd choose to impress people?

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  5. I'd pay good money to see this audition

    he's going to fail in the biggest way. dude cannot even speak clearly let alone act

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  6. Only someone from a country can be a national hero to that country. What a moron.

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  7. This is might be my favorite part of any post yet.
    ...and he joked back "I'm happy you keep telling me". Arthur inability to detect differences in inflection (as proven by his acting) is absolutely hilarious and I would have to say that his father is getting pretty sick of his shit too.

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  8. TattooedLunaChicSickofTheVegasHeatByNowSeptember 22, 2009 at 12:03 PM

    Here's a thought:

    Perhaps the monologues he records and posts are purposely done as awful as they are, but in reality, he's doing much better for the real auditions? I'm really thinking his website and his persona are all an act. The worse of a man he behaves, the more attention he gets. So, he's just playing the part, even if we all despise him. It's what keeps us coming back.

    I bet if no one was watching, he'd hold open a door for a little old lady.

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  9. "...told him, “Do you realize that your son is famous?”, and he joked back, “I’m happy that you keep telling me”, and it was one of those special father-son moments that makes me realize that the Kade bond between us is what has allowed me more than anything to become a budding superstar, and knowing that my dad watches “The Journey” and probably thinks, “My son is a once in a lifetime talent”, is what keeps me going through the tough times because in the end I want to take care of my parents and buy them houses in Palm Beach to retire at." [sic]

    Love me daddy! I know you abandoned me because I was a worthless, useless kid, but now I am famous and rich, so you love me right? Papa, other people have said I am worth something Papa, so I must be...? (*quietly*) Right Papa? Don't you think I am worth something Papa...? I know! If I buy you things, and help you retire, you'll love me then, right Papa? Papa? You won't leave me again, right Papa?

    Arthur... good Lord you are a sad sort. Really. Your psychosis is in plain view, son. Best get your as* back to therapy, pronto.

    Also, Arthur? Sharon IS STEALING YOUR MONEY. Seriously. The only time that awful Wedding Crashers monologue of yours was even remotely good was when you did it in Mike Lemon's class. Sharon is stealing your money and giving you TERRIBLE advice. You don't have the natural talent that would allow you to waste time like this. Leave her and her alleged teaching.

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  10. If I could be anywhere in the world tomorrow, I swear it would be in that audition room with a videocamera. (For the record: my usual answer to that question is "in bed with Zooey Deschanel".)

    Seriously; if Arthur actually DOES have an audition with ANY casting agent, not ten, just one, of ANY import (which is unlikely), and he delivers THAT monologue...the room is going to be filled with balls-ass, hot-ass, world-record amounts of Epic Fail stench, the likes of which have never been witnessed through the course of human history.

    First of all, the jazz hands distract us from what you are saying. I know it's easy to try to put intonation and inflection into your words by moving your hands. For months and months of auditions I was so nervous that I did it ALL THE TIME, too. And guess how many callback I DIDN'T get because of it. Stop it.

    And second: Arthur, seriously, the feature that the camera highlights most is a person's eyes. all throughout that sputtering trail of words you called a monologue, your eyes were soulless, empty, dead. The camera does not love you, sir. Honestly, the camera doesn't love me naturally either; but I've learned that you can brighten your eyes and make them more noticeable by creating a rich inner monologue and deep personal conviction as to WHY your character is saying what he is saying.

    I'm not even going to start on an "international superstar" hanging out at Cosi for the free wi-fi. That's something us plebians do, sir. I admit I do it; except with me it's Borders and the inexpensive sports bar down the street. And the library; but I'll eat Arthur's cheap fedora if the AK 4.7 has been in one of THOSE since high school.

    OK, I'm done. I feel better now.

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  11. "...told him, “Do you realize that your son is famous?”, and he joked back, “I’m happy that you keep telling me”, and it was one of those special father-son moments that makes me realize that the Kade bond between us is what has allowed me more than anything to become a budding superstar, and knowing that my dad watches “The Journey” and probably thinks, “My son is a once in a lifetime talent”, is what keeps me going through the tough times because in the end I want to take care of my parents and buy them houses in Palm Beach to retire at." [sic]

    Love me daddy! I know you abandoned me because I was a worthless, useless kid, but now I am famous and rich, so you love me right? Papa, other people have said I am worth something Papa, so I must be...? (*quietly*) Right Papa? Don't you think I am worth something Papa...? I know! If I buy you things, and help you retire, you'll love me then, right Papa? Papa? You won't leave me again, right Papa?

    Arthur... good Lord you are a sad sort. Really. Your psychosis is in plain view, son. Best get your as* back to therapy, pronto.

    Also, Arthur? Sharon IS STEALING YOUR MONEY. Seriously. The only time that awful Wedding Crashers monologue of yours was even remotely good was when you did it in Mike Lemon's class. Sharon is stealing your money and giving you TERRIBLE advice. You don't have the natural talent that would allow you to waste time like this. Leave her and her alleged teaching.

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  12. @ TatooedLunaChic:

    If he is actually a talented actor, and he's just doing a shtick to get famous "at any cost"...then to me, that's even sadder than if he was for real. Sure, being rich and famous is objectively better than NOT being rich and famous, but at what price?

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  13. He has proved many times that in reality he is just a nervous twit but on the internet he is paving the way for an all new type of asshole, a loose, brown, sweaty asshole.

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  14. these clips make me want to commit suicide. check this shit out:

    http://www.sharongeller.com/vids/SG_Comedy.mov

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  15. Amused,

    I thought the same thing. Mike Lemon helped him tone it down, and when he's back with Sharon he's amped it all up again.

    Too many cooks in the kitchen. Arthur just needs himself, some coke, and a camera. That's all the instructor he really needs...

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  16. from Sharon's web site:

    1994 - PRESENT TEMPLE UNIVERSITY
    FULL CIRCLE INTERGENERATIONAL THEATRE
    ARTISTIC DIRECTOR
    Sociodrama; improvisation
    Design, write and facilitate programs and workshops for schools, camps, synagogues, churches, senior centers and corporations. Topics include bullying, tolerance, diversity, drug abuse, teen pregnancy and team building.




    lol they both have the Temple U. connection.. odd or not really..

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  17. Sharon's website is full of Vaudeville crap and "comedy" nonsense.. way to go AK ur a champ!

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  18. You know, as this lego wig blog has been up for a while, it seems so long ago that Arthur was furiously copying comments from here to put them on his site, because he was totally afraid he was going to lose all his viewers. You've got to enjoy laughing at that! "The best up and coming actor on the planet" copying comments from a blog whose mission is to destroy him, one by one, and pasting them to his site, not to mention the insane editing he had to do to remove all legowigkade references.

    That was quite a time...

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  19. Arthur is NOT ''rich and famous''!

    Stop using those two words when describing this pathetic sack of penguin shit.

    Thank you.

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  20. @ Nadda

    Is that his ''acting coach''?

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  21. Sharron Geller claims, as does Arthur, that she's been on SNL a number of times. If you IMDB Sharron Gellar she's got two credits for what looks like a couple of short films. My guess is she's just like Kade and likes to brag about being an extra on SNL. Like teacher, like student I guess.

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  22. man, look at his Twitter updates . . . he is completely fucking psycho

    "everybody is looking at me. the brand"


    how many people really give a flying shit about him on his blog, here, his Twitter and his Youtube?

    not more than 500 or so right?



    dim cunt

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  23. “(It must suck having some tube thrown up your ass)”…

    He’s not believable even when pretending he doesn’t know what that’s like.

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  24. I don’t think Sharon or Mike are stealing from him. It’s more like they don’t want to admit that you can’t teach someone who can’t learn. Kego thinks he can become an actor if he try’s hard enough (which he doesn’t) and fails to see that it takes more than just a desire to do so. Natural ability and dedication plus a lot of luck are essential for success. Kego doesn’t have what it takes, and no one has the ability to give it to him. They’re probably as deluded as he is, thinking they can do something that can’t be done. You can rest assured that they are earning every cent he pays, just imagine what its like trying to get through to him. Helen Keller was probably easier to teach than Mr. ‘My dad got something shoved up his ass today’.

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  25. 2 callbacks out of 5...epic fail

    "not bad on 30 minutes notice" Bitch you've had 6 months. You suck!

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  26. Love how one twitter says "How do some people still doubt my greatness," and then two twitters later he says "I am in need of a good blowjob right now. Kade Style is stressful."


    Um, what in the holy fuck.

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  27. He keeps dropping clues about his mental condition. Therapy, severe anxiety issue’s, kade style is stressful, nervous, etc. It can’t be long now before “I’m a star” has to admit the truth about himself and self-destructs. I would prefer a flashy ending but I suspect he will disappoint as usual. He has always been such a bitter, bitter disappointment. Good job douchefag.

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  28. Is his latest blog talking about raping chicks? Something about how women shouldn't dare deny him in the sack, or else... blah blah blah. I hate this guy so so so much.

    In other stories, I think we should come up with his new headshot for him. You know, help him out a bit. I bet some framegrabs from his videos would do very well.

    In conclusion, I hate this guy. He is a douche.

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  29. [Scene From An Audition

    [AK 4.7 has just uttered the last syllable. Dead, unblinking eyes stare out above dark circles from late nights in nightclubs, about a table spoon of spittle at each corner of his mouth, jazz hands still flailing.]

    AK 4.7: Wow! That felt Balls-Ass! I think I really brought it Kade-Style! So what did you guys think?

    [Nervous clearing of throats, shuffling feet, rustling papers for eight beats.]

    (strike) Casting Director(/strike) "Caster": Y'know, I would have to say that that was very "interethting."

    [Laughter]

    Personal Assistant to "Caster": Next, please.

    [AK 4.7 rushes off to tap into his Kade-berry about how great things went at the audition.]

    [Those who follow AK 4.7's exploits never hear anything about this audition again.]

    Fin.

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  30. His hair looks like…I don’t know…shoe polish? Brown chalk on drier lint? Troll doll hair colored with a brown crayon? A steam cleaned poodle’s ass? I don’t know how to describe it other than ugly.

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  31. In case anyone wants to see how the monologur is supposed to be done, click my name.

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  32. Post the new entry 'Blue Balls' up quickly!

    Don't even get me started on the rapeiness of that post but more important is the letter from the Welsh fan.

    I'm an Engligh girl who went to University in Wales and have Welsh friends. I can tell you for a fact that most of the Welsh language phrases in that letter are calling him shit, a cunt and basically telling him to fuck off. Genius!

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  33. @ The fan letter from "Blue balls"...

    I looked up the phrases...
    (From the site "how do I swear in welsh")


    Dos I ffwcio dy hun y cont, kade = go and fuck yourself you cunt

    Cachau bant = fuck off


    Malu Cachu = bullshit


    twp cont = stupid cunt


    llawn cachu ydw I = ? (Couldn’t find this phrase, next one is an example)


    Ti'n llawn cachu = You're full of shit

    That is some funny shit. International whipping post. Kego, you crazy crackhead clown

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  34. From "Blue balls"...
    “I connect with a demographic that many other Oscar Winners like Bobby DeNiro and Al Pacino can’t. It is this type of cross culture appeal that has grown the Kade name so quickly in 6.613 months, and why my movies will gross so well, and perhaps make the highest groosing film actor in history (I have to be careful to not sacrifice art for wealth as many actors in KA do)."

    I know I’m ‘jumping the gun’ but here goes…

    “many other oscar winners” – implying that he’s won an oscar?

    “Bobby DeNiro” – Bobby? Implying he’s a friend of Mr. DeNiro?

    “Bobby DeNiro and Al Pacino can’t” – implying first that he’s on their level, second that he’s better?

    “6.613 months” – Isn’t this enough reason to be knocked the fuck out (decimal point abusing bastard)?

    “my movies will gross so well” – gross being the key word in that sentence.

    “I have to be careful to not sacrifice art for wealth” – No worries there.

    Idiot, Idiot, Idiot. (Kadezilla)

    What’s amazing is how he takes 'annoying' to the next level.

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  35. Arthur Kade, scrote of scrotes.

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  36. Does anyone even go to his blog anymore?? I'm so appreciative to whomever created this one cause I can read his delusional shit, comment on here what a total scrote he is, and his blog gets no hits from me and my posts don't get deleted.

    Art, you're a shitstain on the blanket of life.

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