11/13/09

How To Make It In Kademerica


Where the fuck do I even begin? The first glaring lie that Crisco McLispy spews is that his parents were standing at Ellis Island checking into their new homeland... 30 years 8.2998 months ago. Only problem with that? Ellis Island stopped being used in 1954. I mean it's only 25 years difference so how could that really be a lie, right? I do love that Cock Gobbler says if his Adams Family of a family had stayed in Russia he'd have gone into the Mafia or politics because of how Italian he looks. WHAT!? How the fuck would looking Italian help you in Russia? I'd say he was as dumb as a bag of hammers, but that would be insulting to the bag of hammers. My head hurts from reading his drivel. How he thinks a book he writes will get published is beyond my comprehension. And then to think it would be a NY Times Best Seller is like a caveman talking about traveling to Pluto before he even knew what a wheel was. But the thing that was "punch me in the face outlandish" to me was this quote: "...I thought it would be fabulous to lend my acclaimed writing and reading techniques to his book." Acclaimed writing? Who the fuck is acclaiming ANYTHING this asshole has done? Sharon? Mike Lemon? The "fans" he makes up and tells us about? I'll tell you who... NOBODY. And on top of all of that what the fuck is an acclaimed READING technique? Does he face toward a mirror and read the thing backwards? WHAT THE FUCK!!? Man, my head hurts. More stupidity and lies from the deluded moron, Arthur Kadyshes (rhymes with RADISHES)...  Lies and bullshit highlighted in red.

As I was sitting at Recess last night on the “Dancer’s Box” watching the crowd watch me, I was thinking about how the next job that I had booked on Monday was so symbolic and amazingly eerily titled “How To Make It In America”, considering that Arthur Kade is the perfect example of the “American Dream” himself. It’s amazing when you look at my life story, and think, how my parents came to the US from Russia to seek a better life and flee Jewish persecution, then come here, give birth to a son who is becoming a Global marketing icon, while building great lives for themselves in the process. I wonder if while they were standing at Ellis Island checking in to their new homeland, if 30 years and 8.2998 months later, they could see being more “American” then they were Russian, and having a son who is showing the world that a good looking, and talented man can make his dream happen like out of a movie, and now I am working on a movie with Shannon Sossaman and Luis Garcia that depicts The American Dream?. That is true irony.
I can’t wait to be back on a movie set where I belong on Monday. I have felt like I was in a prison holding cell the last month or two , because all my time has been dedicated to writing “The Book” (This will be how I refer to the NY Times Bestseller that I have been writing), creating “The Show” (I’m sure my fans in Kade Nation can figure that one out as well), and writing “The Blog”, and the fact of the matter is that I am an artist and an actor, and sometimes I need a day to be on a set practicing The Craft, reminding myself what “The Journey” is all about before I take over TV and your local Barnes and Nobles with my book and am a multi millionaire celeb in NYC and KA. Can’t wait!!
Sometimes I think to myself, what if my parents would have never made the daring escape from Russia and come here? What would I have been in Russia, not given the opportunities I have now? I was telling Mama Kade this morning, “I think I would have gone into politics or the Mafia because of how I look Italian. I would have been a great leader over there because with my look and public speaking ability, I could have been HUGE in government over there”. She replied, “You can only concentrate on what god put you on Earth to do now (Which is become an award winning actor and author), and you are doing it “”Your Way”", and I am proud as your mother”. The Destiny of The Brand could have gone so many ways in the world, but alas, here I am Arthur Kade, living “The Journey”, and knowing that there is some kid crossing The Atlantic on a boat who will one day read “ArthurKade.com”, or watch The TV Show I am creating, or the book that I am authoring, and look up at his dad, and say, “Papa, I want to be like Arthur Kade”, and in the end isn’t that what it’s all about?
In the meantime, as The Arthur Kade Brand become more and more of a literary star, I am now being asked to review fellow author’s books. As you will see by the vid below, the publisher emailed me asking if I would review his client, Dewan Gibson’s Book, “The Imperfect Enjoyment”, and I thought it would be fabulous to lend my acclaimed writing and reading techniques to his book. It was such a cool feeling to get my own mailed copy in the mail (I felt like an agent at a top firm who gets and reviews writers life works, and then can tell them to “Beat It” if it sucks like they most do, or get it to a top publisher and change their lives), I will try and read it shortly and write my review on The Blog next week.
“If Marlon Brando, Paris Hilton, Kurt Vonnegut, and Ronald Reagan were combined into one person, he would be Arthur Kade”…Arthur Kade…11/13/09



19 comments:

  1. chad boonswang and Arthur are doing a TON of blow

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  2. What country is Chad from?

    Do muppets have their own country?

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  3. who cares. hes a loser

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  4. My guess is that he is from Thailand... home of Lady boy's, child prostitution, drugs, dead rats and filth.

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  5. Even during some of my most epic coke binges 10 years ago, nothing ever came out of my mouth like comparing myself to Paris Hilton and Kurt Vonnegut...at the same time.

    I just did shit like staying up til 11am playing poker and offering my furniture and rugs to the hookers for free before my ex-wife could get them.

    This one chick wasn't more than 5ft tall and 90 pounds - a total spinner. Hot as shit and super cool. I'd known her for years.

    Anyways, she is over dealing cards and fetching beers and giving blowjobs and whatnot and me and my boys are pretty drunk and snizzed up and I was tellings stories about all the crazy shit my soon-to-be-ex-wife was doing during this divorce. She was a total money grubber and kept breaking into the house while I was at work and taking shit.

    So I commented how she hadn't taken the rug yet - which I had always hated. I didn't understand why she was so hell bent on hard wood floor and then she covered them all up with $10,000 rugs, the stupid fuck. I hate hardwood floors.

    So the whore asks if she can have it. I thought this was hysterical. I told her if she could get it out the door, down 3 flights of stairs and into her little shitbox car, it was all hers.

    So we all watched as this tiny girl rolled up a gigantic rug that had to weigh more than her and was about 10 feet by 12 feet. She wrestled that fucking thing all the way down. Took her a good 45 minutes to get it done.

    Later during yet another acrimonious divorce meeting I was asked where the rug was. I told her I gave it away to a whore...a different whore than her, that is.

    Turns out it cost about $10k. Lol. I was just happy the wife didn't get it.

    THAT, Kade, is how you do it Beauchamp Style, you putz.

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  6. Wow. No one gave a shit if you were Jewish in Russia 30 years ago, dumbass. He could be confusing his parents with his grandparents (which may have been more likely, as my grandfather escaped the progroms). The fact that this douchebag and I may have a shared cultural heritage makes me want to tear my skin off. Jews have enough bad PR lately that we don't need this asshat walking around and douching it up.

    Arthur should be glad that his "parents" moved to America. I'm pretty sure that in Soviet Russia it was considered a federal crime if someone gave birth to Arthur Kade that was punished by drawing and quartering of both parents and the Arthur Kade in question.

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  7. Loo here,

    Wow... more rambligks and random skabs from Dilusional Darthur. I really think his hat was on too tight and we are all getting to him. He's crackin'! I smell it!

    :)

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  8. arthur is registered with central casting nyc...so am I. I get about 10-20 emails a day from them, and if I fit what they're looking for (for example, "Irish-looking beer drinkers") I respond, and maybe they call me back. It takes no talent and hardly any effort. The biggest difficulty is waking up on time for your call time. I am starting to really get afraid for him. For me, being an extra is what I do if I have a couple days where I'm not temping or catering. He seems to think it's legitimate performance, and some day reality is going to make its way through his thick skull, and then he (and possibly others) will be in trouble.

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  9. Arthur's Little pee-peeNovember 13, 2009 at 12:04 PM

    "If Marlon Brando, Paris Hilton, Kurt Vonnegut, and Ronald Reagan were combined into one person, he would be...."

    ....a herpes-infected, fameball whore who likes to fuck lots of dudes. And otherwise is 3/4 dead?

    I'm sorry but I'll have to give ArtHer this one.

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  10. @Arthur's Little pee-pee...

    DAMN YOU!!!! I wanted to come up with the combo that he could be.

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  11. Go MC! You can do it!!! “If (insert coked-out whack-job here), (insert famewhore joke du jour here), (insert drooling, abortion gone-wrong here) , and (lab experiments who lived here) were combined into one person, he would be Arthur Kade”…Arthur Kade…11/13/09

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  12. Holy shit Matt, that is an amazing piece of writing. Why don't YOU start a blog. It might be actually, intentionally funny, instead of, um, like Arturd's.

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  13. Arthur's Little pee-peeNovember 13, 2009 at 1:11 PM

    Sorry MC, I have lots of spare time on my hands. That said, I think I only found the most obvious combo but there must be plenty of others. For example, Brando was known to have had several homosexual experiences. Very Kade-style, I'd say!

    Besides, how long do you think it will be before Kade makes another poorly thought out comparison?

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  14. Just updated his wiki to refer to his drug abuse and added this site as an official "fan" site =)

    Please post links to all other references or accounts of his using drugs to strengthen the source section and avoid deletion. muahahaha.

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  15. Unfortunately, a lot of my best stories are lost in a fog of Miller Lite and blow. Occasionally they are stirred up by a co-conspirator in a "remember when" session and I get to laugh at a story like it's all brand new again.

    I shoulda kept a notebook starting back in 1989 when I set fire to the roof of my house. Ah well. Too late now.

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  16. From Artshitz's bullshit scaleNovember 13, 2009 at 4:25 PM

    8-A cute girl, but not date worthy

    She may be pretty and sexy to a high degree, but is lacking that “IT” quality that will make her stick out to me. An 8 may look good enough on certain days to hang out with, but is not a long term commitment, and can have moments where she looks good enough to be a 9, but can also have days where she is an 8. It is also a girl that understands that she may not be a 9 or 10, and doesn’t try to make herself into that level with plastic surgery or grooming. Sometimes an 8 can be a 7 in looks but have such an amazing sex appeal that she comes off hotter. Worth taking home when drinking, but not dating.

    Example: Shannyn Sossamon (Rules of Attraction)

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  17. Zombie Kade the destroyer here-

    Interesting- MC and Lil Pee pee hit on an idea I was thinking of, only in reverse.

    Was thinking about the global village idiot's quote about being a mix of brando, hilton, etc. and how toweringly wrong it was - roughly as wrong as all the other demented slobbery nonsense that falls out of his cocksucker, but still.

    This in mind, believe we should all take a stab at trying to surmise what components most aptly describe the banal awfulness that is anal lint kade.

    Here's my try- anal is a foul mix of Mo Howard, Ichabod Crane, a greasy pork fart, charles nelson reilly, and phyllis diller. With perhaps a dab of sink trap hair to garnish.

    Anyone else?

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  18. Ah, me- every post on anal's blob is like spinning the cosmic wheel of stupid.

    Let's spin, shall we?

    "watching the crowd watch me"

    Just don't fling your pooh at them, monkey boy. Zookeepers hate that.

    "I can't wait to get back on a movie set where I belong on Monday. I have felt like I was in a prison holding cell the last month or two."

    And you'll go straight to the holding area for the extras. What a sad dolt you are.

    "I am an artist and an actor"

    Playing with crayons, acting like a zit, and puking up subliterate goonery on your blob. Yeah, yer a real renaissance man there, anal.

    "I need a day on the set practicing the Craft"

    Ah, so the Craft actually means "being human wallpaper". Good to know.

    "the mafia because I look Italian"

    Yes, the Russian Mafia is known for its Italian looking members. How the fuck do you get dressed in the morning, you imbecile?

    "In the meantime, as the Arthur Kade Brand become more and more of a literary star..."

    That passage alone verifies you will never be published, you subliterate shitstain.

    "I would have been a great leader over there because with my look and great speaking ability..."

    You ass- you look like a giant greasy vole, and you spray slobber and belch up chunks of food whenever you open your stupid cocksucker.

    With you as a "leader" the USSR would have fallen decades sooner, by the sheer embarrassment of having a gallumping kadetard like you leading them if nothing else.

    "I thought it would be fabulous to lend my acclaimed writing and reading techniques..."

    Your idiot blob proves you can't write, and your ridicutarded script "interpretations" prove you can't read. You are a poorly educated, zitfaced baboon.

    You're circling the bowl, turdboy. I give it until the end of the year before you finally go full mental kade. Here's a little end of the year song for you, bubbie:

    Drivel drivel drivel,
    it tumbles out of Kade
    Drivel drivel drivel,
    gets stranger every day.

    Now eat your matzohs and shut yer yap.

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