The Gen Pop comes up to me all the time and asks me how I am such an amazing judge on all that is “Girl Kingdom”, and I answer people, “It’s all in years and years of experience, because if you took your top 5 friends and added up all the girls they have been with, or the experiences they have had, I will still beat them in both”, and because of this I have thought about approaching my alma mater, Temple, and even offering to teach a class on male/female attraction, and “How to pick up any girl you want at any time”(I have become so selective that my friends are probably happy that I am not dominating the social scene in Philly right now, and I can finally pass off all that I don’t want to them). Whenever there are conversations around me regarding dating and sex, people always defer to my amazing knowledge, and believe that anything that come out of my mouth is top quality, and leads to great sex.
Last night when The Entourage arrived at G, I saw a Philly 9 (She had South Jersey model looks, a 21 year old with a great body at about 5′9″, great legs, bad tan, bad make-up, and appeared dressed a little blue collar, but with about 10k invested and some Kade Seasoning could be a New York 9.3, and had eye liner that I wanted to wash off her face because she looked like a One-Night stand I had in Tampa that I never called again) in the Gen Pop Bar area, and I approached her and her friend (Who was a 5, and I wanted to ask the bouncer to not let her in The Mogul Room so I could divide and conquer), and said “Come to the Mogul Room with me”, and their eyes lit up, and they looked at each other and said “Ok” (They obviously were extremely attracted to me, and couldn’t wait to have shots with what one girl called me last night, “The King of Philadelphia”), but when we got there, the ugly girl cock-blocked me despite random shots and drinks, and they ended up leaving.
We partied all night in the “Ultra Exclusive” Mogul Room (Where I said hello to Eddie George and My New friend, Dom From Entourage who had to get up for church the next day) all night, and a situation arose that made me think about a topic that has been asked of me a million times (I could have an amazing magazine column in GQ or Playboy or other sexual mags that feature A List Celebs) about, and that I have never addressed in this world renowned blog that I write (People across the world like Rob Thomas have become fans, and now I am being told that the French are in love with me and ‘The Journey’ and I wonder if they would fly me over for a celebrity appearance because I love Paris soon). There was a girl who I saw making out with a friend of mine, and then she approached me me and said she wanted to make out with me as well, and I replied, “I love girls who like multiple hook-ups in a night, but is is such a turn-off when it’s with friends of mine because I don’t mix business with pleasure”; (I later found out that she had hooked up with ANOTHER friend earlier in the night as well which would’ve been a Trifecta ((A Kadeism that means the art of hooking up with 3 men in one night)), and I wanted to give the girl a High Five because at least she knew her role that night, and knew that none of us would take her seriously.
When my friends and I were talking about this today, I started thinking about my 5 biggest turn-offs that a girl has or does so here they are:
1) Kankles-Legs are such an important aspect of a girl’s body, and there is nothing worse than when a girl has no definition in her legs and looks like a girl version of Ladanian Tomlinson. I remember when I met a girl at 32 Degrees in Old City in 2005, and we went to Lounge 125, and then I ended up with her at The Sheraton Society Hill Hotel, and when she took off her jeans, I saw that at she had Kankles, and even though I was stilL stuck there to have to sleep with her, it was such a big turn off that I never saw her again (She stalked me big time).
2) Bad Nipples-Nipples should be the most beautiful surprise that a girl has when you are sexually intimate with one, and they should be perfect size and perfect color (They should be any where from .75-1 inch if the girl’s boob is a C-D). Sometimes Areolas can be too big (Coke Can Nipples), too pink or too dark (especially on Irish Girls, although I have taken such a liking to red heads lately again), they can have too many bumps around the Areola (and sometimes a loose hair or two which is the worst), or the all time worst when the button tip is so long that it looks like a spear in a javelin contest.
3) Chopsticks-I hate when a girl doesn’t know how to use chopsticks, and because of this when I would take girls on a first date back in the day, I would almost always take them to a Japanese Restaurant, because if they had to use a fork, then I would never call them again (Although I a girl I dated once didn’t know how to use them and I find out too late), and it is one of those things that equates to level of class and prestige that Arthur Kade must be visible with, and I have found a correlation to bad etiquette with bad oral sex as well.
4) Big Foreheads-There is actually a girl in Philly (She is a Philly 9.5 who reminds me of a mix of Megan Fox and Demi Moore with the most amazing personality and most amazing sexuality although I may take her boobs from a large B at a small D) that I am heads over heals in love with, and she is the most perfect looking and acting girl in Philly, and I was actually telling my girlfriend tonight, “I would date her and actually take her to dinners and maybe a movie, but the only thing I might change about her is her forehead is too big. I wonder if I could buy her hairplugs?”, but the problem is that she has a serious boyfriend anyway, although that if I pushed the issue I am sure it would not be much trouble.
5) “Taint” Hair-This is the hair on a girl between the vagina and the asshole and some girls don’t catch it enough and make that are smooth as a baby’s bottom. Waxing is an art, and actually one of my step-mom’s best friends is the top waxer in Philly, but I have been with girls where I have gone downtown, and discovered that it isn’t perfect, and will either send them over for a consultation, or make them do a self-shave if they refuse, or I just roll out, “Kade Style”.
“I don’t date girls under a 9 because I don’t want a stain on my credit report” …Arthur Kade 08/23/09